Chameleon child; hides away quietly, fits in softly, walks on eggshells, tenderly lives on the outskirts of life.
Living in such fear of outbursts and physical hurt, you hide, you play nice, become highly compliant while internalising all the injuries from words and weapons.
I would often be a deer in headlights, transfixed on the shards of crockery flying as they shattered away from the concrete as they made impact.
The breaking plates ritual was part of my childhood memory of what surely must have been 1990’s therapy for a traumatised parent.
I have spoken about this only once in my adult life, incredibly this same wonderful human I told, also remembers being a 90's child. We both remember staring in unbelievable awe as our parent smashed crockery until the plates ran out or our parent succumbed to exhaustion.
There is nothing quite like watching a grown up systematically pick up and destroy innocent plates in a fit of rage to make you realise as a little person, that the world is neither easy or simple.
The massive journey of out growing an exoskeleton built by layers of trauma, I really believe is a blessing in disguise.
I grew to learn a few very valuable things, that I wish to share with you, about crawling out of a survivor shell and living unapologetically and authentically;
1. Be wildly curious; once upon a time, maybe even since the first time my baby ears heard my world, the tiniest things would have affect on me. All the various volumes of words dug wounds & context was always confused.
I allowed my self-worth be measured on what others thought & my internal success was dependant on reaching often unattainable goals.
How powerless! Now, when I allow myself to be completely & wildly curious, the world changes for me & for all those who interact with me. Investigating the WHY behind how others relate means understanding them, avoiding being defensive or jumping to conclusions.
Stay curious & take time to listen to the WHY behind words. 3 + 4 = 7, so does 5 + 2, same result, different way! We always have new ways to understand & be understood.
2. Let your gut guide you; Even if its message is utterly disappointing, distressing or throws all your perfectly set plans into a burning pile.
Listen carefully and thoughtfully to your gut instinct. I would rather excuse myself from an alarm bell moment with kindness, than live a thousand days nerve wracked and miserable. Trust your bodies in-born compass.
3. Live unapologetic; When I was little I used to apologise for simply being. I was sad I was born & I hated being a little girl.
Unashamedly I'll tell you that I learnt to make myself small & be a 'people pleaser' to avoid pain. The choices I had were limited as a little person, until I became an adult & took care of little me.
Layers of trauma peeled off, I know now it is safe to love 'being' in every sense. Being angry, hungry, well, unwell, shapely, sensual, muddy, messy, salty, sandy all the shades and colours that is life.
Wether a little or big person, we do not need to apologise for who we are or who we love. Love who you want, including yourself.
4. Speak up & Listen; I was silenced, by the actions of adults wishing to manipulate a broken situation, who knew no better than to bandaid the abuse.
Simple open communication, creating space for thoughtful conversation & the power of listening is by far the most authentic way to love & heal.
Holding back on words that are painful limits yourself & others who could learn from your words!
There is profound beauty in speaking up and being heard.