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Reflecting on moments where we wish we could speak to the people we no longer have in our lives.
The pang of pain when your friends are out having a cup of tea with their mother or she’s popping around to visit them and you know that will never be your reality.
Here is what I would say to those who are beautiful yet broken...
"Hi mum, how are you? I mean, how are you really?
I used to wonder why you couldn’t bring yourself to ask me how I am, I’m not angry that you couldn’t.
Like the child that always asks why, I find myself asking questions to a mother who’s not there.
Do you sleep with the restless pain of being unable to have had control of the past?
Do you churn inside with the rotting memories of your abuse, like I do?
Do flashbacks wake you up, screaming, sweating and in fear, like me?
I want to tell you.. I don’t blame you. I don’t blame you for any of it happening. I don’t blame you for his violation of me. You only knew what you knew, no more and no less.
You too were suffering at the hands of some one who claimed to love you, unconditionally and entirely. Until the day he didn’t, until the day he betrayed you. And the day he lost the right to be a father to me.
It was not your fault. I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, I don’t blame you, his actions were not yours. You did not condone the sexual abuse I faced. You may have felt alone, but sadly you were not alone.
I want you to know, you are strong for enduring the crimes against your body and soul and not leaving me in this world alone when the pain got so deep for you.
Know that I too am strong, stronger than I would have been had it not happened. Every-time I wanted to leave, I have stayed.
I don’t blame you. You only knew what you knew at that time in our lives. You didn’t have a crystal ball to predict the future.
I confess, I do hold you accountable for who you became, who you let the abuse change you into. Removed and cynical, untouchable. I don’t blame you, I feel for you that the pain was so great you retreated into yourself.
If I could go back, I wouldn’t change anything for myself. I would change the way you saw yourself, I would let you know, I don’t blame you and I loved you, with your broken heart and all.
I too pulled away from touch and love, I also felt untouchable. We were like magnets, forcing each other away, when if only we had held each other and accepted our shared pain, who knows.
I understand your selfishness to pull away, believe me I do. I beg you to listen. Listen to yourself, your pain, listen when it hurts to hear. Listen when something sounds beautiful to your ears, open yourself to something greater than you, greater than your pain.
The best and worse thing you did for me, as perhaps a final act of a mothers love, was the day I read the court and medical documents you left for me to find.
Then I knew the truth, excruciatingly painful as it was to see my splintered childhood memories on paper. To know Doctors and professionals had been aware of my decade of being broken and bleeding, my pain, the secrets and worst of all the shame.
That moment drove me to take the steps to unlearn the devastating wrong childhood conditioning I had be taught. I relearnt how to feel, touch, love and trust.
12 years, it took to grow myself again and you missed every moment.
You missed my first steps, You missed my first true smile and my first laugh.
You missed my first moments freedom from the shame and darkness of the abuse.
You’ll miss it all, because I don’t know who you are.
My only regret is that I feel you were not able to love me, although I had a child's blind & unconditional love for you. I wish you hadn’t suffered so deeply, I wish you had been given the opportunity to relearn how to feel, touch, love and trust.
Please remember, I don’t blame you, I wish you the happiness that is yours to reclaim".