The following contains information that may be distressing, if so please seek help:
If you need someone to talk to, call Kids helpline 1800 55 1800 or Lifeline 13 11 14.
This is written without shame. It is raw and honest. The intention is to heal, educate and show deep gratitude.
My eyes are bloodshot and my face tear soaked, little hands tremble, stomach flip flopping back and forth, back and forth, knotting and twisting, acidic bile on the back of my tongue and an electric chill stabbing down my back.
I am 4 years old and need some one to scoop me up, listen to me and most of all believe me.
I want to open the flood gates, I can’t keep this bad stuff a secret any more.
I can’t take one more “Shhhh… It's. Our. Secret.”
I feel like I am rotting inside out, can’t they see it?
My thoughts hurt. My heart hurts.
My little body feels dirty, my skin crawls and doesn't belong to me.
I feel ugly, but I am such a pretty little girl, thats how they justify doing it.
Adults tell me I am always in the way but with my child's logical I think I’m not even big enough to get in the way.
The adults reject me or want me uncomfortably close.
Sick of their clingy constantly crying child or afraid of their dark distant child, nervous I will spill their secrets.
I am just so empty, so lonely.
They too are so empty and so lonely. And you can’t fill an empty cup with another empty cup.
I can’t rot away. In moments of courage I ever so quietly ask for help…
I am 4 years old and…
I meekly whisper…Dad touches me in places that are mine and gives wet kisses on my mouth… his moustache prickling my skin.
I am 5 years old and…
I quietly say… My cousin, she touches and does things with me that don’t feel right.
I am 6 years old and..
I ask why… my older siblings and our cousins all touch ourselves in front of each other.
I am 8 years old and…
I plead… the boy from the church dragged me away on his motorbike, hurt me and burnt my legs.
I am 9 years old and….
I write to my teacher… about feeling suicidal, lonely and that I am worried about going to my dads.
I am 12 years old and…
I break down in utter frustration….my siblings boyfriend that lives with us watches me, says sexual things to me and does sexual acts in front of me that I cannot be unseen.
I am 16 years old and…
I report…. repeated sexual assaults by high school peers.
There. Is. Nothing. But. Silence.
They don’t want to believe it is true, it is too hard to comprehend.
They are angry at me and blame me. How dare I give them a situation they can’t deal with.
I am 18 years old and…
I am numb, it no longer hurts that it all happened, that no adult stood up, showed up or made it safe. I am crippled by not being heard.
I am 29 years old and…
I listen, I understand.
I dedicated every day for 12 years to gaining insight, education and tools.
I single handedly choose to break my lifes cycle of abuse.
And by reading this YOU have stopped the silence, the shame and most of all, the secrecy…
Thank you