We quietly rock our soft, warm baby in the dark hours of the morning, holding in our wee and having revenge fantasies about our sleeping partner.
It’s common and normal to feel more than sad after welcoming a new addition or additional humans to our life, even though it’s paradoxically the time when we can also feel the happiest.
Feeling this sadness as a parent is really real, and the cause? Having so many of our deep psychological, physical and social needs going unmet.
Parenthood is hands down the only time in our lifespan when we have the demands of consistently meeting the needs of a fragile new person, while systematically having to put our own needs on pause.
As breathtakingly good as being a parent is, it also comes with the weight of expectation, a huge sense of the unknown, jittery fears rising to the surface at unexpected times, overwhelming stress and at times it can downright test your tolerance.
All this while you have an ever-increasing mountain of unmet needs. Makes sense why it can feel really rough right?
It is possible to enjoy the bumpy road and come out the other side with a few bruises and the wisdom of resilience too.
Here are 5 tips on how:
Befriend your trauma.
Ever found it really hard to find the words around your trauma? That’s because trauma isn’t stored in the language centre of our brain, it is stored in our bodies and in our senses. And it has a knack of showing up at the most inconvenient times, like birth, breastfeeding and special occasions. The more we know about how our trauma is triggered in our bodies, the more comfort, care and clarity we can include in times where we are most vulnerable. {As a trauma aware birth doula I see first hand the power that having a voice creates after feeling silenced}.
Get out of your head and into your body.
Remember above how trauma is stored in your body. And remember how unproductive your brain was waking you up a 2am to do some serious overthinking. The best thing to do when you are consumed by thoughts? Move your body. Yoga is one of the best practices for combining breath-work, body movements and conscious relaxation.
Boundaries keep you and me safe, together.
If we don’t say yes authentically, we say yes resentfully and that leads to more problems that if we’d said no in the first place. Boundaries keep you safe, they keep relationships healthy and are the best way to role model to young minds what is or isn’t socially acceptable. {Chose what you want and don’t want, let people know when they’ve overstepped, know that upholding the boundary is harder than setting it}.
Being listened to is being loved.
There is such tangible pain relief to freely and openly sharing your birth story, your parenting wins and struggles or your grief over all the changes you’re going though. A friend, partner, fellow parent or therapist - find one person to trust. {Learning to trust is also affected by trauma, if you have a trauma history, talking to and trying to trust the people that contributed can increase your risk of feeling unheard}.
Let it be, let it go, let it in.
Pain shows up for us to take action to stop the source of it, sadness shows up for us to be helped, joy shows up to remind us life is so worth living. They are all valid and important, denying one doesn’t expand the others, they all belong together in the emotional human soup that you are. Whatever you can’t change right now see if you can let it be, whatever you feel you can’t hold onto any more practice letting parts of it go, whatever you need more of allow yourself to let it in.
Entering the world of parenthood can be the highlight of your whole existence. It’s also allowed to feel more than sad at times too.
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If asking for help is the hardest thing imaginable thing for you to do, then I am your person, I get how hard it is to ask for someone to listen but I will show up for you again and again, even when you don’t feel worthy of it.
I am kindness filled counsellor, birth doula, wife and mum. I have lived experience of the life-altering challenges caused by childhood sexual abuse, physical assault and emotional trauma. I have walked the path of a successful and positive recovery to become a kind, thoughtful and dedicated therapist.