Hopelessness is real, it is okay to not be okay. It is okay to need help.
Please reach out. Call Kids helpline 1800 55 1800 or Lifeline 13 11 14.
The world is spinning at a sickening rate, my organs are angry with me, every cell saturated, intoxicated. My brain throbs heavily, wounded by the negative thoughts that rip like razor edged shrapnel. Excruciating thoughts rush out uncontrollably from the ragged holes left behind. My painstakingly cultivated mindset, gentle as vintage lace, ripping to shreds by unjustified anger and tiring bigotry, alcohol laughs watching intently, twisting the knife. Bitter bile on my tongue is equally as acidic as these thoughts. Words written from narcissists' bloodline run incessantly across my mind like hateful song lyrics. The deadly familiarity of hopelessness fills me, creating dark clouds and a blinding blur. Peace was my offering, twice denied.
Remerging mental scar tissue bubbles to the surface. Unavoidable injuries I've carried for a lifetime beg me to end prematurely. It takes a split second from though to action. I watch myself in my mind as I lean over the edge and visualise impact. It's dark tonight and high enough from this three story car park my mind translates. The fear of hurting or traumatising any one briefly supersedes my deep yearning to let go and leap.
I lie wide awake, staring into the nothingness and aiming to meditate thoughtfully.
My body, still feels hollowed out, like I was an ice cream container of lightness and the pain scooped me greedily all for itself. Adrenalin still courses in my veins days later. The slight thudding of the physical bruises on my legs and down my spine remind me I am here.
My mind is awakened and clear again, the churning seas are slowly calming. The storm is over and there is hope on the horizon.
A brutally honest conversation both ways with my precious friend replays in my mind. I hear her voice, so calm and considered, a blend of wisdom and genuine understanding. I am deeply grateful for her wisdom. Friends since we were just 9 years old, nearly two decades I think to myself. Our lives intertwining and shape shifting across the years to become many hundreds of pages in a well loved book. I let you into my darkest rooms and you don't turn away unsure of yourself or in fear, instead you bring me light, hope and forgiveness. To say you've save my life is an understatement.
I am lost, in thoughts and in this situation, I lay silently looking within myself for answers. Brought back into the darkened room by movement next to me. Her beautiful face is shadowed yet imprinted on my mind, the curves of her soft chest and well defined waist is illuminated by the gaps in the wooden blind. Her rib cage lifts and falls, her breathing is easy and slow. I note the stark comparison to the rapid fight or flight she suffered. None of this is easy and none of this is your fault. "I love you", I think to her.
A little shape crawls towards me, shiny dark eyes gleaming, wide smile and soft feet padding like a tiger cub towards his prey. Launch! I am smothered in wet little puppy kisses, he is so feverishly excited that I am awake and therefore his to gain unlimited midnight affection from. I'm burrowed into, a little face rests on my shoulder, puppy breath blasts into my ear from his giddiness, he drifts off to sleep to dream soft dreams.
Still awake, a small smile is born across my lips, meditating again on the good in the world.
There is so much to live for.
If you or someone you care about is feeling overwhelmed with pain or suffering, please help them reach out. I have contacted lifeline on 13 11 14 in a moment of crisis and found the person on the other line a valuable source of help. It is not weakness to ask for help, it is a strength.