My alarm tinkles away next to me, 5.30am on a normal Wednesday morning. I peel my eyes open, exhausted even though I have slept solidly since 6.30pm.
My limbs feel leaded, heavy, soggy like I have been swimming in the ocean with clothes on for hours, lost, adrift and sinking.
My mind is foggy, hung over without drinking, is this what being 30 is meant to feel like? Unfair.
I drag my sullen mind & body out of bed. Heart racing as I check my mental to-do list, what the hell was I meant to be doing today? Why is my short term memory 10 minutes behind, wandering around meaninglessly, window shopping & dilly dallying with complete abandon.
My gut feels hard & full, hurts to touch, I think about the last time I went to the toilet... you know, number two.... I can't even remember. This isn't good.
I peer into the bathroom mirror, my hair looks fine & limp, I sigh deeply, it makes me feel even more depressed.
I cannot shake these blues, a tear slips down my cheek. This mood is like a nagging dark cloud that lingers, floats and bobs above me.
I put on tights & a tee, oh activewear how I love & hate you. I wish I felt as healthy as my active wear suggests I am.
I sip my instant coffee, watch as the milk makes swirling patterns across the top. Imagine the combination curdling in my stomach. Take unenthusiastic nibbles of my porridge & talk myself into being energised.
I pull up in my car at the park, calm & ready to take my exercise class. As soon as I start to move I feel awake & alive. I wonder what I was ever worried about & the feelings of heaviness get subconsciously pushed down. My work out group look at me smiling, expectantly. I pull out my chalk board of fitness activities & they gasp with anticipation of sweat & success. We laugh, stretch, play games & become warm & sweaty. We celebrate the completion of our exercise routine with satisfied sighs, staring up into the blue sky, grateful for each other & our bodies.
As we walk to our post-exercise coffee date I feel my gut grip, agonising, draining pain sears through me. I pretend to be okay. I am not.
I do this day in, day out. Until the tiredness & darkness takes over & robs me from the happiness that physical movement provides.
I feel it in my body, an underlying reason, I know my body well enough. My stubborn, relentless strength gives away to needed selfcare. I go through the blood tests & checks. A family history of thyroid dysfunction proves my instincts right & shows up as Grave’s Disease.
An autoimmune disease that has been lingering since my first blood tests at 18 years old which showed abnormally high cholesterol levels. My body is creating antibodies that actively attack the thyroid gland which is responsible for regulation of metabolism, heat, repair & bodily functions.
It. all. makes. sense.
Sleep. Depression. Hair loss. Energy. Digestion. Elimination.
In this moment of awareness I am handed a gift... sure it's like something you would like to re-gift or return, but none the less a gift that forced my hand.
I researched like you would not believe, I didn't want my own body to destroy its own cells.
I gave up dairy. I stop consuming meat (here is some context... I was a fitness model competitor I once ate purely meat & broccoli for months on end for competition preparation & although I became a vegetarian happily throughout my career, I returned to carnivorism for the sake of the painful convenience & social acceptance, it has taken so much for me to accept & ask for forgiveness for the harm I caused innocent gentle farm animals).
I search & follow pages on Facebook about animal cruelty & veganism. My eyes were opened painfully wide. I search for ways to shape my health on my own terms. I went to workshops & asked for advice. I learnt from alternative health practitioners.
I then applied the knowledge, every. damn.day.
It took time. Sorry to burst the bubble, but it took time, 6 months minimum. To accept the prognosis. To wean off a 'normal' exploitation based 'meat & dairy' diet. To experiment with meatless recipes. To allow myself to become the earth loving & animal kindness human I am at heart. To rebuild my health. To feel naturally energetic without coffee. To go to the toilet (yes, number two's) every day. To drink coffee black for the pleasure of it. To feel my positive, healthy, happy self without the cloud of fog & darkness over me.
Curious to know the positive side effects of changing to Veganism to manage chronic health?
Complete reversal of bloating, body fat & belly pain.
Stronger physically & clearer mentally simply by eating plant based & surrendering to gentle physical activity.
I appreciate my body & it's continuous adaptive ability to change, I can only imagine what would happen in a healthy body, if it followed a similar harm free take on nutrition & exercise.
If you are lucky enough to have a healthy body then I encourage you to honor the s#!t out of it & explore your inner vegan yoga practicing self.
All I can say is keep curious, keep questioning, don't suffer in silence & take the steps to start now, not tomorrow.... go on, start!