I wake up with startling fear, my eyes watering, palms too warm, body damp with a sheen of sweat and throat burning from the drowning, coughing, suffering sensation experienced in my sleep. My traumatic reoccurring dream stirring me from peaceful rest again, I sigh deeply, saddened and frustrated. It's still dark outside adding to the dread which fills me as I think about falling back to sleep and risking the return of the torturous flash backs.
My eyes are heavy with tiredness yet my heart is pounding, so loud I can hear it in my ears. I haven't noticed how hard I'm breathing, lungs gasping to return to normal, my central nervous system still in overdrive, in a state of confusion caught in between fight or flight in a place where reality mets deep scarred memories.
I feel the slow rise of panic set in and a cold shiver run down my spine at the images splayed across my mind from the dream. Images that belong to me, my past imbedded in my mind, resurfacing and sifting to the top. I feel tears welling in my eyes, a deep sob threatens to escape my chest and leave me open to the onslaught of feelings, rendering me a vulnerable shaking mess.
Then I feel her.
Her hand gently slides through the gap between my arm and ribcage, softly wrapping my body with her arm, she draws me against her soft skin.
Our skin touching sends an overwhelmingly soothing warmth inside of me, she holds me so close, proving that in the face of fear she knows gentle strength and genuine empathy.
I feel my racing heart gradually slow to match her peaceful beat. She places a gentle kiss on my shoulder and with out words reassures me that I am safe. I melt into her, grateful for the unwritten understanding, my body limp and surrendered to her, feeling nurtured by her gentleness.
We drift off to sleep, me encircled in her arms and I find peace.
- PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) to me, is like an old injury that you can ignore and live in confusion, loathe and live in pain or embrace and live to learn from it. I have deep gratitude for my partner, who is truly strong enough within herself to be truly open hearted and compassionate to support me. I think as hard a PTSD is, it would be infinitely harder watching someone you love go through the depths of it.